True in the End

In my head, I hold two images of the first cassette I ever received.

One, in my dining room, the grayish plastic in my hand.

The bluish background of the paper insert.

A high side ponytail.

Pat sat cross legged in the way I do that my trainer told me not to.

Get Nervous.

Two, the same case, just cracked on the right bottom corner.

Somewhat hidden in paper clutter, Disney soundtracks and assorted mixed tapes.

I left the cassette in the glove compartment of the car that burned on the highway. Maybe somehow, I thought I would have another chance to grab it. I didn’t

Little Too Late.

Except, that’s not the song. It was the first song, on the B side. Not the A side. Not my song. No. Love is a Battlefield? Maybe it was, but no.

I would absolutely give my niece anything she wanted, possibly without asking for permission. I never knew how my mom felt about the cassette her brother sent me for my birthday. To consider it now, it’s odd I even received something. Perhaps, my mother would have preferred a more obvious feminist sensibility, something like Hit Me With Your Best Shot that Pat Benatar no longer performs today.

I’d always known the chorus. It seemed standard, touting a usual happy ending even. . .

While permission may have been given, it was despite misgivings, duress even. I understand. I certainly seek out girl power presents for my niece whether she asked for them or not.

We're running with the shadows of the night So baby, take my hand, you'll be alright Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end

“She thought the lyrics were too old for you,” my dad said. Not much of an explanation. The evocation of night, or spending the night perhaps?

You said, "Oh, girl, it's a cold world when you keep it all to yourself" I said, "You can't hide on the inside, all the pain you've ever felt" Ransom my heart, but baby, don't look back 'cause we got nobody else

We're running with the shadows of the night So baby, take my hand, you'll be alright Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end

Reading these lyrics merely provided the soft surprise that usually accompanied karaoke, the realization we never knew the words to the songs we knew by heart. It was the always feeling for my mother’s words. I heard them, once upon a time. Others repeated them, but I never knew the actual lyrics. Heartbreaker.

Pat sang all the words, but there were two voices. They’re having a conversation.

You know that sometimes, it feels like, it's all moving way too fast Use every alibi and words you deny that love ain't meant to last You can cry, tough baby, it's alright, you can let me down easy, but not tonight

Her partner isn’t willing to commit, I guess, but I would see that in movies soon enough.

In every conversation with my mother, I was always in charge of singing all the words.

We're running with the shadows of the night So baby, take my hand, you'll be alright Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end

Last Monday night, my friend picked me up to see Pat Benatar in concert. She wasn’t the headliner. I was no longer a child.

We're running with the shadows of the night So baby, take my hand, you'll be alright Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end

My mother was with me as my boots clicked through the rain dripped parking lot.

And now the hands of time are standing still Midnight angel, won't you say you will?

We're running with the shadows of the night So baby, take my hand, you'll be alright Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end

All the way to my seat.

We're running with the shadows of the night So baby, take my hand, you'll be alright Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end

Pat Benatar announced that her band formed in 1979, the same year as me. In 1979, people didn’t think women could fill stadiums.

We're running with the shadows of the night So baby, take my hand, you'll be alright Surrender all your dreams to me tonight They'll come true in the end...

The promise of dreams coming true. . . It’s the line that stood out, that repeated. Pat did not sing my song. Maybe my mother asked her not to, Was that line the reason? My question remained into the bleary day after.

Pat did not sing my song. Maybe my mother asked her not to. What about all the other Promises in the Dark?

Maybe my mother was tortured by the rich toned phrase on repeat,

Surrender all your dreams to me tonight The promise that the ending would be happy.

They'll come true in the end.

Maybe endings aren’t dreams that come true, but the women who sing them were no longer in the shadows.

I believe my mother would want me to listen to that.