(Necklace) Chains

I keep all my earrings and necklaces in a tiny box.  I store the box in a drawer.  I am gentle.  I don't shake it.  I don't turn the box upside down.  Yet, when I look for a specific necklace, it is always tangled.  Not just a little twist around.  The chains are wrapped and tied. 

I am always blindsided by this occurrence.  I am forced to decide.  How badly did I want this necklace on this day?  It is not easy to untangle necklaces.  The knots are not logical.  Even when I choose to move forward, I'm lost about where to begin.  The lack of beginnings and endings and reason as to how the jumble occurred is frustrating. 

I randomly slide my fingers. 

I guide the materials gingerly. 

I undo the loops that I am not even sure didn’t somehow undo themselves. 

Each move feels futile.  When the necklace is free and flat across my lap, I don't know how I arrived at resolution.  With the chain somehow free in my hands, I take the next step, which is an attempt at forgetting, frustration. 

Necklace chains are like conversations with my father.

It is easy to unclasp a necklace.  Or at least, it's easier.  You can see both sides in both hands.  The position in front of you at chest height is more stable.  To reclasp the necklace takes

commitment

speed

a bit of faith. 

If I don't move on quickly, my hands behind my neck, the process of joining two ends unravels.  The attempts are never smooth.

second

third

maybe fourth.

I fumble.  The tiny metal pieces poke my skin uncomfortably.  Worst of all is the doubt.  The first failure clouds new, intentional strategies that could adjust and support my position. Each failed repetition of the same strategy eats away at the belief the reconnect is possible.

I know how I got here, at least the initial decisions. 

I ask myself, “How did I get to a place where it seems like I can’t leave?”

Yet, somehow, I wear a necklace every day.  I readjust the pendant and clasp to look right against my shirt.  I walk away from the mirror.  I touch the necklace often during the day to make sure the clasp remains connected.  It’s comforting to know it’s there.